My Abby Anne

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. Life has been somewhat crazy the last month or so. As you know, we lost our precious baby when we I was 10 weeks pregnant. We found out it was a girl. We already had her name picked out- Josie Lee. I have always looked upon Heaven as a wonderful place. But I can not even express to you how my thoughts have changed about Heaven since I lost my baby. I am more excited now than ever before to get there. I know when I get there- my baby girl will be waiting for me with open arms, running around crazy- just like her big sister, Abby Anne. Life on earth will never be complete, but when I get to my real home, with my Savior, he will have yet one more gift for this undeserving mommy. I will proudly get to hold and kiss my Josie Lee. As David said in the book of Samuel, my child will not return to me, but I WILL GO TO MY CHILD!!! And I look forward to that day!

Til then, life here goes on, and I enjoy each moment. I treasure Abby Anne even more now than ever. She is such a vibrant, energetic girl. She loves every moment of life. Yesterday, we took Abby Anne to the ER. She had a seizure. She has had 3 "febrile" seizures in the past year (fever related.) We have had an MRI and EEG and both came up clear. I can not explain what a helpless feeling it is to see your baby like that and not be able to help or protect her...that goes against everything I am as a Mommy. The doctors were great and have put Abby Anne on seizure medication for the next year or two in hopes that she will not have anymore- and that she will grow out of this. Please join me in praying that the medication will work and we won't have to experience anymore of those horrible seizures!!

I realize each day, more and more, that life is a gift from the Lord. He has blessed me beyond belief!! And I am so thankful for Stephen (what a great Daddy!!) and my precious Abby Anne!

To My Precious One- I will hold you soon!

Happy, excited, and full of joy
The Lord has blessed us with a baby girl or boy.
We went to the Lord and let our desire be made known
And asked for His faithfulness to be shown.
He heard and He answered with this reply,
"I have heard you, and send blessings from on high."

The days dragged on, the long days passed
And it was time to see the doctor, at last!
We were so excited to get a good look
But then, a different turn it took.
Something went wrong, I could tell by his face,
As he said, "There is no longer a baby in place."
"What do you mean?" I cried in defeat!
"Your little one no longer has a heartbeat."

My world crumbled, my world fell apart
As pieces began to chip off of my heart.
No longer was it only my baby's heart at stake,
Now this mommy's heart, too, was starting to break.
And as I cried, each drop fell tear by tear
And then I heard my Father's voice loud and clear,
"My child, you are hurt, and know not what to do
But I love you, and I am not through.
I heard you, and I answered your prayer
And again I will prove that I am always there.
Though you long to kiss your baby's face,
He's much better off cuddled in God's grace.
For up on my lap he's surrounded by love
As God's peace is poured on you from above.

How my heart aches as I feel such loss
But my God understands, for His baby died on the cross.
I question, and wonder, and don't understand why
But my God sent His baby to die.
My Jesus bled, and My Jesus, He died
So one day, your mommy could hold you with pride.

Because of this, Lord, let your will be done
Even if it's through my daughter or son.
Fill my heart with joy and peace
So through me, your glory will never cease.
As the potter, mold your servant, and make me like clay
And use this little life to bring you glory each day.

And my precious one, I'll hold you one day
Thanks to my Lord, who has paved the way.
When I see you, your sweet hand I will hold
And together we'll walk the streets of gold.

So when my work on Earth is through,
What a gift to get to hold you!!
But until that day, my little one,
You stay cuddled up to the Son!

I love you and will hold you soon!!! Love, Your Mommy

"I Will Praise You in This Storm!"

As many of you know, we had our first doctor's appointment for the baby on Thursday. I was 10 weeks. Dr. Wendel did an ultrasound and was not able to find the heartbeat. I had surgery on Friday, and now- Stephen, Abby Anne, and I are trying to process what has occurred and move on with our life as the Lord would have us to. We have experienced so many feelings over the past few days. We have lost a baby- our baby....we never got to hold our precious baby, sing to our baby, and Abby Anne never got to boss that little baby around...but one day- we will see our baby face to face. So many songs and Bible verses have been flooding my mind over the past days, and I wanted to share them:

"Sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

"Great is thy faithfulness! Morning by morning new mercies I see!"

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrow like sea billows roll, WHATEVER MY LOT, thou hast taught me to say, it is well- it is well with my soul."

"I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth."

"I will praise you in this storm, I will lift my hands
For you are who you are, no matter where I am.
Every tear I cry, you hold in your hands
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm!"

Please pray for us during the next days...that we will have peace and know that our baby is with Pop, Grandma, and Grandpa Carlisle....and JESUS!! And we will get to join the party with our precious baby one day soon!

Update on Our Little Dancer

Well- As you know- if you have read the previous post, Abby Anne's first night of dance was a little emotional and rocky....with not a whole lot of danicing going on!! We decided to give it the month of September to see if she improves. I am so happy to say that her 2nd night of dance was a huge improvement!! She tried to give Momma a good "fake" cry when I dropped her off, I am sure just to make me feel bad, and then, somehow-the tears just instantly turned off! Funny how kids can do that! She didn't cry the entire time!! After the hour was up, here came her class, all lined up, one by one- and there was my little Abby Anne- right in line walking right behing the others...being such a big girl. She was excited to show Mommy and Daddy her star sticker and tootise roll that she got for being such a good dancer. Her teacher told me that she definitely made progress- and she even got down and danced by herself! I knew my little dancer had it in her!!!

Our Little Dancer

Abby Anne started dance last Thursday night. The first night was...well...a little chaotic to say the least. Can you imagine a dance studio full of about 15-20 toddlers all gearing up for their first night of dance? I wish I could say that Abby Anne went in there and danced her shoes off that first night- but the truth of the matter is....she wouldn't let her teacher let her down the entire hour- so I am not sure how much dancing Abby Anne actually did! I have paid for the month of September- so we will see how the next three weeks go! Regardless- we are proud of our little dancer!!

ABBY ANNE IS GOING TO BE A BIG SISTER!!

"If you ask for anything in my name, you will receive it." John 14:14- this verse is marked in my Bible and has the date August 2, 2008. On that day, we began praying that the Lord would give us another baby and allow us to be pregnant soon! This is a verse that Stephen and I have claimed over the past month. We are so excited to announce that the Carlisle family is growing! We will be adding baby #2 this spring (Beginning of May or end of April.) As many of you know, being pregnant, and even trying to get pregnant is very hard for me. I have a genetic disorder called PKU that requires you to be on a very strict diet when trying to have a baby and especially throughout your pregnancy. I also have to take between 50 and 100 pills each day that contain a formula that helps my body breakdown protein in my body and keep my phe levels low. I know this is all very confusing to most people and very hard for me to explain. But basically it just means I have to really watch what I eat- foods very low in protein- since my body can't break it down on it's own. I go in weekly to have blood tests to see what my levels are. They are supposed to be under 6 throughout the pregnancy...last week it was 4.8. This is a high risk pregnancy-just as Abby Anne's was....but I got through that fine and I know we will make it through this one as well. It does stress me out sometimes to think that the well being of my baby depends on me controlling my level- but I can do it- "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me..." and I know it will be worth it when that healthy baby is here this spring. Our prayers have been so clearly answered....It amazes me when the Lord so clearly shows himself to us. I can not tell you how excited we are!! Please pray for the Carlisle family- all 4 of us- throughout the next months! God is so good!!!

Our Day at the Zoo!

On Labor Day, we decided to take advantage of Stephen having the day off of work! It isn't often that he gets to take off- so we decided to make the day all about Abby Anne. We are members of the Little Rock Zoo- so we go every chance we get. We went a lot throughout the spring and then that Arkansas summer hit- so we weren't able to go as much. Labor Day was the perfect day for the zoo- we went in the morning before the heat hit, and there was a nice little breeze. Stephen and I were amazed at how much more interested Abby Anne is in the animals NOW then she was just a few months ago! Abby Anne loves feeding the fish (or as she says (Bish.) It is definitely one of her favorite things to do at the zoo and something we just have to do each time we visit. In fact, on Labor Day, Abby Anne got to feed the fish a whopping 4 times- thanks to the 4 quarters in Daddy's pocket. Abby Anne also loves the elephants (or the Boom Booms.) She will just sit and stare at those huge animals forever. She is also fascinated with the huge turtles. On Labor Day, Abby Anne got to watch the turtle eat his breakfast. Abby Anne has made friends with the giraffe at the zoo. When the giraffe is in its house, he will come up to the window, and he and Abby Anne will have starting contests. The giraffe also tries to lick Abby Anne through the glass - which she just isn't so sure about! She doesn't like that long, black tounge. We also rode the train. We had a "wild" day at the zoo and enjoyed our family time! These are the times I will treasure for years to come!